A Modest Endorsement

People, I have a fantastic idea for you. Bear with me, this is going to be great. Record execs who read this blog, call me in for a meeting immediately. Readers who are friends w/record execs, call them in for a meeting where you will tell them to read this blog and then spend the rest of the hour eating expensive sushi with money that you're not giving to your employees as Holiday bonuses.

Okay, so I was thinking about this problem of record companies hemorrhaging money due to lagging album sales, and I figured out a solution that will enable these companies to increase revenue off of the dying business model of cd production, since they have waited so long to get off of that sinking ship that they have no choice at this point but to go around setting all the clocks.

What the music industry should do is, it should take a page from the television and film industry, and let advertisers influence the content of songs and records. Next time Jessica Simpson gets set to put an album out, get the marketing team from Maybelline together and have them craft an entire brand and subsequent brand story for Ms. Simpson to write her songs around. Scratch that--for them to write songs for her around!

Bands are selling their songs to commercials the second after they purchase their instruments, so why not reciprocate the relationship by having Train's next (piece of s)hit song be titled, "Burger King Queen", a song about a guy who meets a "real Whopper" of a woman while working in the fast food establishment's drive through, and it was after midnight because they are open later than their competitors, and his love for her is almost as valuable as a King-Size Value Meal? By the end of the song, he will ask for her hand in marriage, and she will joyfully reply, "Have it your way!"

People, this is sheer brilliance right here. Ogilvy and Mather, call me in for a meeting right now.

In years past, advertisers had to buy songs from artists, and tailor the lyrics to suit the needs of their product. Say goodbye to that jive, marketing reps. Why not fulfill your need for higher profit shares in the third quarter of FY'07 and your dream of being a hit songwriter at the same time?!?!

The release of Trent Reznor's new Nine Inch Nails album, Year Zero, was preceded by a multi-platform advertising campaign that led fans on a real-world hunt for zip drives containing new songs and clues as to where they can find other zip drives and album-related stuff. Certainly this opens the door for the next Matchbox 20 album to be written entirely by reps from Target, who will design a game that leads listeners on a cross-country tour in search of specially-labeled "Target Matchboxes" underneath pairs of shoes and pieces of affordable furniture, which will eventually lead one lucky Matchbox 20 fan to a key and the location of a lock which upon turning will pull the trigger of a gun that will blow their shitty-music-addled brains all over a huge Target Bullseye behind them as Rob Thomas sobs openly about it into a mixing board and sells it as the B-side to their new single, "My Heart Was Your Target and You Hit The Bullseye, What A Great Deal I Got From You Baby".

Companies get to make more money for their products, the record industry sees increased revenues, and we get what should be the deeply personal experience of listening to and interpreting an album corrupted for us as we listen to it! Everybody wins.

People, I am a maven in the making. Green Day, get me on the phone right now.